Among other things, the last few days have been fab­ulous due to grand con­ver­sa­tions with Doug, Kate and Morgs about life, the uni­verse and everything, including a mean­dering con­ver­sa­tion with Kate that started on the way to a goth club last night, con­tinued on the way back from the afro-jazz-worldbeat place and then developed into a fur­ther con­ver­sa­tion with Doug on the way around the Quartier Latin today.

The upshot of it is a chal­len­ging acknow­ledge­ment that there is a cer­tain miso­gyny in the val­or­isa­tion of mas­cu­line power through fem­inist upbringing – if we want power, we take on male roles and that includes a hatred of ‘fem­inine weak­ness’. It’s not exactly a self-loathing but there is a dis­com­fort – and it’s sim­ilar to inter­n­al­ised homo­phobia but less fre­quently acknow­ledged. I’ve noticed it in the occa­sional com­ment to Doug when I apo­lo­gise for wanting to colour-match things and squirm about my more fem­inine traits because I fear that I will be less valued, will lose standing imme­di­ately for expressing them.

It’s dif­fi­cult to embrace fem­in­inity as a source of power. And that goes back to Kate and my ini­tial dis­cus­sion of the chal­lenge of finding one­self, for whatever reason, in tra­di­tional roles where we are being sup­ported by someone, how­ever tem­por­arily when we are oth­er­wise achievement-based and powerful women, and what that means for our eco­nomic power and our cul­tural power and sense of self.